Cracked
by Deadeye47
Summary: Merlin and Arthur are ambushed by bandits after a false claim. Arthur comes out practically unscathed, but Merlin isn't so lucky. Rape, abuse, Merthur.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm a bit late to this fandom aren't I? Oh well. _

_There's nothing too explicit in this, I just don't write that way. This is not a pornographic fiction, don't expect any, at all. It's rated M for language, and the fact that rape is a mature subject, nothing more, nothing less. Morgana is not evil in this, because who would want that? _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, BBC does, I make no profit off of this in any way. _

_~Deadeye_

He came at night, dressed in ripped robes and reeking of filth. The guards spotted him, Morgana soon after from her window. His face was caked with dirt, his lips cracked and dry. His steps echoed through the castle as he was taken to Uther, his babble had caught the interest of the knights.

"Please, I know a group who is plotting against Camelot, let me see the King!" He shouted.

Uther came storming into the room, his face set in stone. Arthur walked close behind. Merlin slid into the room and hovered near the wall, out of the way as always. The man first bowed, then removed his ragged hat and coughed several times. Uther's face took on a look of annoyance and he rolled his eyes.

"Get on with it." He growled. The man shrunk back and lifted his head to stare meekly at the ruler.

"I have information that a group of sorcerers is planning to attack Camelot." He announced quickly, his words tumbling one over another. Uther leaned forward slightly and furrowed his brow. Arthur too seemed intrigued by the revelation; Merlin watched closely, his eyes watching the man's face for any signs of falsehood.

"Where did you hear of such a plan?" Uther questioned carefully. The man let out a shaky breath and continued, his anxiety was beginning to grate on everyone's nerves.

He lowered his gaze to the floor, his head still upright, but his courage dissolved as he refused to look Uther in the eye. "I overheard several men talking at the local bar, an-and I know what they were doing is u-unloyal so I had to report it. They said they were going to-to" He gulped. "Take down the son of the bitch who rules over Camelot and kill all the whores who follow him."

"How do you know it is sorcery?" Uther asked, without fazing. The man's face suddenly became more and more nervous.

"They called their group a name I have-have heard before, _The Defenders, _ I know that their group has used magic in the past..." He stuttered.

Uther grunted. "Yes, so have I, but I had no idea they were still active." He stood up quickly. "We must stop this evil before it is able to attack Camelot." He turned to Arthur.

"Arthur, place knights at every entrance of the castle, everyone must be on alert. No one is allowed inside without getting fully checked."

Arthur stepped forward suddenly. "Yes father, I also believe it is wise to send out a party to investigate."

Merlin sent Arthur a distressed glare, as he knew exactly who would be going to investigate. Arthur sent back a cocky smirk as Uther peppered the man with more questions on the whereabouts of the supposed threat. He spat out a response and Uther waved his hand at him. He was escorted out, shouting thanks and meekly asking for gold.

"Arthur, go seek this matter and eliminate it. I believe you heard his answer." Uther said plainly. Arthur nodded soundly, and Uther dismissed the crowd. Merlin looked thoroughly annoyed at the announcement, as riding a horse with a sore arse was not something he enjoyed.

Merlin followed Arthur through the hallways, nodding to Gwen and Morgana as they passed and finally entering Arthur's chambers and locking the door. Arthur had been woken from sleep, Merlin at his side, when Uther had called, and Merlin was ready to fall back into bed without shedding a single cloth. However, Arthur, fully clad, demanded differently. Merlin slowly unhooked Arthur's belt from behind, then removed his sword, slipped off his shirt. Arthur turned around with a smile on his face, quickly wrapping an arm around Merlin's waist and pulling him flush against his chest.

Merlin blushed and turned his mouth down. "Arthur, can't I stay back from the mission?" He whined. Arthur smirked and tightened his grip.

"I can't go alone, who's going to keep me warm at night, or cause me trouble?" He replied smugly. Merlin rolled his eyes and slipped out of Arthur's hold.

Arthur jutted out his lower lip and yawned, watching Merlin's back as the young man shed his shirt and took off his boots. Arthur stared down at his own feet, still clad in shoes. Merlin stood with his arms crossed, staring at the fire.

"Merlin, don't pout." He said softly. Merlin snorted.

"I'm not pouting you clotpot." He looked at Arthur, his head slightly turned, but his stance the same. "But I'd rather stay in Camelot then ride through the forest with a sore ass _my lord_."

Merlin's tone was playful, even with annoyance laced into every other word. Arthur found it amusing, rather than vexing as he used to. He walked up and scooped Merlin up in his arms, the smaller male letting out a high pitched squeak. He immediately started to pound his fists against Arthur's chest and kick his feet into the air, as if his movement would somehow help. Arthur laughed deeply and shook his head.

"Why do you even try Merlin?" He stated simply. Merlin growled and tried to flip over in Arthur's arms, in order to wriggle his way out. Arthur kept his hold and walked towards the bed, throwing Merlin down on it.

He crawled over his consort, towering over him. Merlin sent him a weak glare and Arthur leaned down, a smirk splayed across his face. He trailed his hands down Merlin's sides, leaving them to rest on his hips and trace patterns over bones. Merlin eyed him carefully, refusing to give into Arthur's teasing. After several minutes he burst into laughter and turned over, burying his face into the pillow. Arthur started giggling moments after and collapsed next to the dark haired boy with laughter spilling out of his lips.

Merlin soon calmed and pulled his face out of the fabric. Arthur watched him with amusement. "Something funny Merlin?" He asked, his tone filled with mirth.

"I was just thinking of how hilarious it is that we do this, imagine if you from two years walked in and saw us, he would think he'd been enchanted!" Merlin spouted.

"Are you calling our relationship funny Merlin?"

Merlin laughed even more. "No, no I just think it's funny how our lives have changed so much, like, in such a big way, it's amazing. "

Arthur snorted. "Yeah."

Their laughter died down after that and they lay silently in bed, their hands intertwined. Merlin cherished it, and he knew Arthur did. They stayed like that for some time, the world insignificant to them, the roles and rules forgotten as they rested peacefully with each other. The night was quiet and calm, the atmosphere serene.

Merlin heard Arthur yawn and he quickly untangled their hands. He got out of bed and blew out the candles. As he walked back, he eyed Arthur's bare back, turned away from him. Merlin smirked. He quickly leapt onto Arthur and squished the prince underneath his lanky form. Arthur wheezed under the weight and cursed.

"Merlin what the hell was that for!" He screamed.

Merlin chuckled. "If we're going riding tomorrow, I'm not going to be the only one who's riding sore."

Arthur growled and flipped them over, burying Merlin into the covers.

"Merlin you're going to pay for that."

"Yes sire."

"And Merlin?"

"Yes?"

"You forgot to take off my shoes."

_Yay, or nay? _


	2. Chapter 2

"Arthur." Merlin whined, riding soundly on a horse behind said prince. Arthur turned around, an annoyance clear in his eyes. He sighed and stopped the horses.

"What is it now Merlin?" He replied. It was almost nightfall, and they had yet to reach the location, Merlin was about to fall off his horse.

"Can we stop now? We've been riding all day." He complained. Arthur rolled his eyes and shifted his reigns. He shook his head, without replying, and continued onwards. Merlin huffed and followed suite, wincing every time the horse jostled uncomfortably. The road became darker as the trees overhead grew in size and the sun slowly set. Merlin noticed the path become crowded with shrubbery overflowing from the forest on either side.

Not too far in the trees, stood an archer with a steady hand, waiting. Those surrounding him sat in silence, along with several other of his kind, ready for attack. They remained vigil, as night shrouded them in darkness and gave them the perfect advantage to ambush. The world quieted, almost paused as the bows were drawn and the two horses approached. Then the air was filled with the sound of arrows shooting through the forest. Merlin sensed it before it happened; he turned around quickly and ducked, as one flew over his head and embedded itself into a nearby tree. Arthur swung his horse around and drew his sword, as he dodged several of the lethal weapons. Then they came bounding down from the forest, their steps heavy and loud. They crashed into the road and began fighting without mercy. Arthur bravely defended his servant, placing Merlin behind him as he swirled his sword around.

But there were many, more than any of them had anticipated.

"Shit!" Arthur shouted. Merlin gulped and heard someone behind him. Before he could turn, something smacked him in the head, and his eyes popped with light before he collapsed.

Arthur sliced through a bandit before spinning around, his eyes widening. "Merlin!"

"Don't bother." A sick voice whispered. Pressured slammed into the back of his head, before his eyes were shrouded in darkness and the world stopped.

Arthur's mind was groggy and full as he awoke. From what he could feel and smell, his hands and feet were bound, and he was sitting in a small tent. Sunlight steamed through the small gaps in the fabric, hitting him in the face, it was early morning. His chainmail and armor had been removed, and obviously, his sword. He got up to move, but felt himself tugged back. He turned around, confused, and found himself not only bound, but tied to a wooden stake pierced through the bottom fabric of the tent and into the ground. He groaned and laid back down. His head felt full of water, sloshing around and giving him a headache.

_Of course it was a trap, you idiot. _ Arthur thought to himself. _That sounded like Merli-_

"Merlin!" He shouted; worry setting in where annoyance once was. With no quick reply he shook his head.

"Why on earth does this have to happen?"

"Look who's awake, Prince Arthur, the crown fuck of Camelot." A man spoke. Arthur sat up, only slightly, he found, as the man entered the tent and crouched. His hair was short and brown, while his clothes were ripped and torn, and Arthur spotted a sword at his left side. His eyes were small, with miniscule irises.

"Release me at once!" He demanded. The man shrugged.

"I don't think so princess, we ain't got a reply from Uther yet, and if he doesn't pay your ransom, well, we'll just have to wait and see." He flashed Arthur a smile, all broken teeth and rotten gums.

"What have you done to Merlin?" He hissed. The man narrowed his eyes and leant down.

"That little whore has been taken care of, don't go making any noise, or we'll just chop your balls off and leave ya to die!" He laughed.

He left the tent and Arthur plopped down once more and groaned. Hours passed like days for the prince, as the only distractions were the sounds of the men moving back and forth through the camp, and the occasional ones to enter his tent and attempt to intimidate him. By the time night came, Arthur felt restless and seething with annoyance, but also bubbling with anxiety. The ropes were itching his wrists and ankles, while sitting uncomfortably bent over had led to massive cramping in his back.

Arthur had wrestled himself into sleep when the knights came. He was woken by shouts and the sound of hooves. He bolted upright, wincing as he was caught by his restraints. A few moments passed, Arthur's mind whirling, before a knight busted into his tent and quickly untied him. Arthur hurried outside and thanked the knight with a nod of his head as he was handed a sword. He swung it at the nearest bandit, letting out his frustration. There must have been about twenty of them, hurrying around the campsite fighting his knights. He spotted Percival and Gwaine, but his mind was distracted as he defended himself again.

There were several tents in the campsite, and Arthur hurried to each one. Each was empty of his servant. Arthur growled as he search came to no end.

He dashed outside, the fight was nearly done, and he spotted the man who had entered before, fighting off two knights. Arthur pushed the two away and charged the man himself, pushing him onto the ground and throwing his sword to the side. Arthur raised his own weapon and pointed it at the man's neck.

"Where's Merlin?" He hissed.

"Ooh, don't get ya fucki-"Arthur pressed the sword to his throat. "That little bitch ran off after we gave him what was comin', such a tight ass after all, best I've had in weeks." His grin disgusted Arthur.

He growled and shoved the sword into the man's stomach, watching darkly as his eyes froze and mouth gaped. He stood up and pulled the metal from his gut. He turned around and established a stance.

"Go! Scour the forests at once; we will not leave for Camelot until Merlin is found!" He shouted.

They scampered off. Arthur rubbed at his wrists and ran off into the forest, cutting through brush and tree branches, desperately searching.

"Merlin, where in god's name could you be?"

The man's words burned in his mind.

"Sir!" Gwaine called. "We've found him!"

Arthur ran as fast as he could.

Merlin laid, crumpled on the ground, as if he'd fallen from exhaustion. He was covered in dirt, and smelt of blood and- those men. Arthur felt his heart crack and his blood boil. The knights moved away as he approached the boy and spotted the stains on his pants and the blood dried on his face.

His neckerchief was torn away, revealing angry marks marring his skin. Arthur kneeled and pulled Merlin into his arms. His face was pale, drawn, eyes lined with shadows and face bloodied and bruised. His lips were slightly swollen and chapped.

"Oh gods, Merlin…"


	3. Chapter 3

When Gwen spotted them riding back to Camelot, her worries instantly dissipated. The castle had been wrought with anxiety, after a Camelot lookout had reported a bandit attack. After practically drowning in worry, she had been pulled from her sorrows.

That was, until, they entered the courtyard, and her heart filled with a different type of dread. Merlin had been slouched over the back of Arthur's horse, but carefully, to avoid jostling she supposed. The knight's faces were grim, downturned lips and dark eyes. She scanned Arthur's face, pulled down into anger and worry. Arthur was known for his determination, it marked his reputation proudly. However, it seemed waned now, but not by his own sapped strength, but by the cracks in his heart. Gwen had taken to reading each emotion that crossed his face, and counted six in total, an astonishing amount for one Arthur Pendragon, especially the fact that she could see each one without too much difficulty.

His strength was sapped, as he gave away, his fears.

Anger.

Frustration.

Guilt.

Worry.

Despair.

Pain.

She saved those emotions forever in her mind, promising herself that she would never let Arthur suffer this way again, not if she was at his side.

Arthur jumped off his horse and lifted Merlin from the back, cradling the boy in his arms. His neckerchief was gone; his clothes were tattered, hanging limping off his frame. He seemed paler somehow and his skin was marred with angry red marks and ugly bruises. Arthur's face was set in stone, rounding his emotions as Gaius and Uther came rushing up to him. Uther immediately began to fret over his only son, cursing the man who had tricked them all. Arthur walked by without a single word, shocking the King, as he sent Gaius a nervous glance out of the corner of his eye.

"Arthur!" Uther called after him, as he began to follow Gaius inside. The knights stood, shifting from side to side. Uther studied them carefully, trying to pick up on the reason his son would put so much care in a simple _manservant._

Arthur's trek to the physician's chambers was slow, and Arthur was itching to have Merlin heal, to see his bright shining eyes once more. He was desperately scared he would never see them again. Gaius quickly opened the door to his chambers, motioning Arthur to lay Merlin down on his bed for the time being. Arthur placed him as gently as he could. He ran his fingers through Merlin's hair; while Gaius had his back turned, rummaging through potions and whatnot. Arthur quickly jumped out of the way as Gaius turned back, leaned down, and began peeling back Merlin's shirt. He eyed the angry marks on Merlin's chest, while keeping his comments silent. Arthur watched, leaning on the wall, his mind rushing with anxiety.

Gaius rubbed soft salve onto the larger marks and bruises, and two jagged, shallow cuts below Merlin's left rib. Arthur looked away at the finger shaped bruises that he spotted on Merlin's wrists and hip bones, reminders of brutality.

Oh god, why couldn't he just have _been _there?

Gaius wrapped the two smaller cuts, before standing up. Merlin's pants were practically in tatters, but Arthur was thankful Gaius did not change them; it seemed as if they were encroaching onto something precious that had been broken. It needed to be taken care of.

"He should heal in a few days, but he's extremely exhausted, and very dehydrated." He eyed Arthur. "You should let me apply some salve to your bruises as well, perhaps I can call for a servant for some food and water, and you desperately need it, my lord."

Arthur paid him no heed. "When do you think Merlin will wake up?" He asked gruffly.

Gaius sighed. "In a few hours perhaps, don't push it. From what I see Arthur, it was not a light attack. I feel…Merlin will not wake up the same. These occurrences are brutal and mentally damaging; he will need time to recover."

Arthur dragged a hand down his face and breathed deeply. His heart was pounding in his chest, practically threatening to burst out of his ribs. He felt overwhelmed, angry, but weighed down by guilt, eating away at his heart. If he hadn't, Merlin, oh god, why did he? How could he allow this to happen? This was _Merlin_, the bright, happy sarcastic manservant who made Arthur smile, who brought him out a dull reverie and into the joy of living. Arthur had never really lived before Merlin; he only said that, because he could not recall how he had _lived _before Merlin. But what if that was gone? The fire in Merlin's eyes blown out-

"Do not blame yourself sire, there is nothing you could have done, sometimes, these things happen, and there is nothing we can do about it." Gaius spoke. Arthur sent him an incredulous look, but realized Gaius's kindness. He bit back an acrid comeback and nodded.

He straightened his chainmail and looked at Merlin one last time.

"Gaius, if he wakes up." He narrowed his eyes. "Call me right away."

"Yes sire."

Arthur stormed out of the room with guilt pooling in his stomach, anger pumping through his blood, and sadness echoing through his mind.

XxX

"Shit!" Arthur cursed, as he threw his sword against the wall, watching it clatter against the stone. He threw himself down on the bed, not caring about the state of mess he may mark the bed with.

It didn't matter now; he would rather clean it himself than have Merlin clean it.

Arthur shot up. Is that really what Merlin wanted? Did he want to be treated like a fragile victim or rather, the same as always, without change, something to depend on? What if he treated him wrong? What if Merlin decided Arthur hated him, or what if he thought it was Arthur's fault? Merlin could backlash at him, focus all his anger at him, and leave him. Arthur groaned. The pain from the thought of Merlin's abandonment left him shaking in a mix of guilt and grief. He did not notice his own kin, standing in the doorway.

"Arthur." Uther spoke, his voice low. Arthur practically fell off the bed.

"Father!" He replied, his voice higher than he had liked. He straightened up. Arthur swallowed his emotions to face his father, hid them behind a foolproof mask. He played aloof, putting on the show of the dashing and loyal, but sometimes honestly confused and late, Prince of Camelot.

"Why have you not yet come to see me, to report?" He demanded. Arthur shivered.

"Because, because..." Arthur searched for an excuse. "I was getting treated by Gaius!"

"You are not that badly hurt and I see no bandages on you." Uther stated.

Uther took two massive steps forward. "Was the treatment for you, or for your servant?"

Arthur did not reply; simply look up at his father's eyes, without wavering. The best fight was often the one without swords, he reminded himself, and perhaps his father was testing him. His emotions would have to wait.

_That's a stupid idea._ He reminded himself. He seemed to be having quite a lot of those lately.

Uther sighed at Arthur's quiet expression. "Arthur, you know I have no qualms of you having relations with male servants, as long as it is completely and utterly, sexual."

Arthur nodded; he'd had several awkward experiences with other nobles, in which these rules were explained to him. Uther was not to the only one who was open to the idea of sexual fulfillment, from the same sex. It wasn't that uncommon…. That is what he had told himself when Merlin had first jumped into his bed.

It's a bit different for emotions though.

"I have reason to believe, however, that you are attached to this servant in more than physical means. This is not permitted, you know this Arthur."

Arthur threw up his hands. "I went with him to get his wounds treated by Gaius, which does not make me infatuated, with _Merlin_ of all people." Arthur felt his chest tighten.

Uther shook his head. "I have noticed other things Arthur. The boy goes with you, wherever you go, even on unnecessary means! He accompanied you to the battlefield once, and this, is not something a normal servant would do for his master without proper need, that I am sure of."

"We're friends Father, I'm sorry the term eludes you." This conversation was beginning to grate on his nerves.

"I have seen you, talking, at almost all the dinners and galas I throw. Do you know what it looks like, for my own son to spend all his time talking to a servant! You never leave each other's sights. When other knights or nobles request him, you bombard him with extra chores, in order to eliminate the possibility of him having any free time for others! You protect the boy like he was your own!" Uther shouted.

Arthur was taken aback.

Uther sent him one more fearful look. "I understand you may be confused, but these types of feelings and actions will not be tolerated Arthur. I expect you to eliminate these feelings, immediately. If not, I shall be forced to take more serious and brutal actions, do you understand?"

Arthur nodded dumbly, before Uther strode from the room and slammed the door.

It took Arthur exactly thirty five seconds before he collapsed on the floor, cradling his head in his hands.

_Why, why now of all times, when Merlin needs me the most! _

It was all falling apart, piece by piece.


	4. Chapter 4

_Sorry for being so late with this chapter! Hey, I see a whole lot of favs and follows and not the same amount of reviews._

_Hmmmm. _

Merlin's eyes snapped open and he let out a half shriek. His body ached, his throat burned, and his mind was bombarded with the feeling of disgust, overwhelming his senses. Oh god, where was he, was he still there? Would they come back, rip off his trousers and-

He covered his mouth with his hand and sobbed, hot tears trailing down his face. He coughed several times and began to panic, automatically assuming the worse. He gasped a few more times, his vision blurring as he became overwhelmed with anxiety. He heard glass burst and his mind became warmed with magic, but he couldn't bring himself to care. His mind was sinking with thoughts, going down into a whirlwind of guilt and wrapped in regret, in disgust. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.

"Merlin! Merlin stop!" He heard a deep voice scream, directly next to his ear.

He fell forward and focused his vision, calming the feel of magic in his mind. The world froze for a moment; his own emotions paused, before he finally recognized the hand shaking his shoulder and the worry evident in his mentors face. He heard himself laugh dryly, as his fears were slightly quelled. He looked up into the old man's face, watching his eyes flash with worry and sadness. Merlin shook and collapsed into Gaius's arms, half his body leaning off the bed, held by arms wrapped in soft cloth. He buried his face in Gaius's shoulder and shivered.

"Gaius. Oh my go-Gaius I thought they were there, I thought-what happened, Arthur, no, Gaius…" He trailed off and felt the wind settle, felt the time become smooth and his heartbeat ease.

After several tense moments, Merlin pulled away, his eyes rimmed with red, face puffy and distraught. He wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. Gaius sent him a concerned look, and Merlin took a deep breath.

"What happened?" Merlin breathed out. Gaius shook his head.

"You were attack by ban-"Merlin's breath hitched and he raised his hand. Gaius nodded slowly and revised his answer.

"The knights rescued you, Arthur was furious; he carried you back to the castle and refused to sleep until he knew you were in safe hands."

Merlin's brilliant blue eyes widened, taking in Gaius's words. "Is he hurt? Is he-"

"No Merlin. He's just a bit bruised and cut nothing serious. "He placed a hand on Merlin's shoulder. "It is you we should be worrying about."

Under the focus of Gaius's pity, Merlin scowled and pushed his hand away. He shook his head. "No, I'm fine, really."

"Merlin."

"Gaius. I'm okay, I just, need some time."

Gaius was silent for a few moments. He hugged Merlin lightly before pulling away, even though Merlin did not return the affection.

"Don't hide away Merlin, I'm always here for you."

Merlin sighed and looked down, as the sheets suddenly became the most interesting objects in the room. Gaius watched him for a few more moments before he left, leaving the door open. Merlin watched him go out of the corner of his eye, and was immediately regretful at becoming suddenly cold to the man. And now, as punishment, he supposed, he was left here with his thoughts, on the verge of breaking down once again. His mind flashed back with that night.

_"Hey, he's waking up."_

_Hands, hands everywhere. The smell of dirt and sweat burned Merlin's nose. He felt his face pushed into the dirt. NO. Where's Arthur._

"_Damn, so tight." _

_Hot, blaring pain ripped through his body, slicing up through his back and making his arms shake. He found himself covered with bodies, skin touching skin, but it was not soft, it was disgusting. Movement, sticky and rough, felt nothing, nothing like the times Arthur had been intimate with him. He felt his mind burst free as he tried to use his magic, but another ripple of pain shot up his spine and he cried out- _

Merlin buried his face into his knees, curling up on the bed as his memory betrayed him. He hated himself, he hated his body, he hated those men, he hated his magic, he hated Camelot and quests and Arthur and-

No. It wasn't Arthur's fault, he couldn't do this, and he couldn't hate Arthur. It was his fault, and he needed to take the blame for it. But how, how could he ever look Arthur in the eyes again?

He could never betray the one he loved, and now, he had, in the worst way possible.

XxX

Arthur, frankly, was a little annoyed. As he walked to yet _another _meeting, about yet _another _problem plaguing Camelot, his mind buzzed with irritation. His father had rounded him up early this morning, demanding he put on his best attire and attend several, practically useless and utterly pointless, meetings and become thoroughly involved in every aspect of Camelot's politics. In one day. An absurd request and Arthur knew he wasn't needed at any of these ridiculous gatherings! His father was forcing him into movement, because he knew, deep in his heart, that Uther was determined to separate him and Merlin.

His heart had already been twisted last night, ached this morning, and was tortured again as he was obviously separated from his love.

Hence, the annoyance. He realized this after the second two hour meeting, as he walked dutifully to his fifth; he realized the sun had begun to set.

Shit! He had heard a snippet of conversation between Gwen and Gaius this morning, understanding that Merlin was awake and definitely alert. HE had tried to slip away, even resorting to lame excuses about cleanliness, and- strange illnesses, but Uther kept his iron grip. Arthur didn't want Merlin to sit there, alone. He wanted to be by his side, why must this come up now? Did his father wait for this time, right after his lover had gotten _raped? _

He paused. It was such a strong word, such a difficult thing to comprehend. It set it in stone; it made his heart pound in his ears and his breath become shallow. He had never used that word; he had-not looked at it, not really, not directly.

Damn his father.

He ripped off his red cloak and changed direction, heading in the direction of the physicians chambers. He reached the wooden door and hesitated. Would Merlin want to see him? Arthur shook his head and twisted the knob, opening the door and stepping inside. Gaius was nowhere to be seen, probably off collecting herbs and whatnot. The steps to Merlin's room was visible, and Arthur walked across the room and began the small trek to Merlin's quarters.

The dark haired boy was curled up against the wall, sitting quietly on his bed. As Arthur entered the room, his breath hitched and he sent the blonde a withered smile. Arthur's heart cracked.

The spark, the smirk of the boy was gone.

"Merlin…" He breathed out.

Merlin felt a dry sob rip from his throat, and suddenly Arthur was by his side, cradling him in his arms. Merlin opened his mouth and wheezed. Arthur held on tighter. He shook his head and felt his eyes burn, tears threatening to spill.

"I'm so sorry, I am so, so sorry Merlin." He pulled back, looking the warlock in the eyes. "Please, forgive me."

Merlin shook his head. "No, it's not your fault. Don't, don't blame yourself."

_You're hurting him, you betrayed him and you're hurting him. Don't make it worse._ A voice nagged at him.

Merlin's face froze and suddenly the atmosphere changed. He smiled, as best he could, and hid the pain in the deepest layers of his conscious. He wished he could push it back to the subconscious, so their lives could move on.

"Arthur." He tried to beam. "Don't be such a prat, were you really that worried about your boots not being shined?" He teased, although his voice cracked on several words.

Arthur gave him a bizarre look, but he didn't want to push or pry. "As if Merlin, like you could do a proper job anyways."

His eyes watched Merlin's face for any types of hurt, but the boy only laughed awkwardly. His body ached, his mind screamed, but he kept it hidden. If Arthur were to still love him, he couldn't let his betrayal be known, he couldn't let the extent be known, and he couldn't let this change them.

_If you make it into a drama, he'll leave you. _ Merlin punched Arthur playfully in the shoulder, ignoring the pain that shot up his arm.

Arthur smiled weakly at him. He heard voices murmuring in the corridor, obviously guards sent by his father. Arthur let out an annoyed sigh and stood up.

"Arthur?"

_No, no what did I? _

"Its fine Merlin, I'm actually supposed to be in a meeting right now."

Merlin tried to cover up his relief. "Better not keep them waiting. "

Arthur leaned down and kissed his cheek before dashing out the door.

He didn't feel disgusted, it was warm and wet and welcome just like always.

But, unlike the other times, he didn't feel as if he deserved it.


End file.
